Yeah, but...

Today I came across a page entitled "15 Things You Don't Owe Anyone At All (Though You Think You Do)."    Overall, I felt that it was pretty accurate, except that the way it was phrased, if everyone took it right at face value, would make us a society of jerks.  Most of these my exception is that explanations are owed to the people who are closely and negatively affected by our choices.   And I have to wonder if stuff like this is part of what is making us all so... anti-social.  That and sit-coms where people are rude and sometimes downright cruel to the people closest to them, whom they should be treating with the utmost care and respect, and then we're told to laugh at it.  And then we wonder why our own relationships don't ever work out...   But that's a different topic.

Here's my "yeah, but" list for that article.

1. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your living situation.

Absolutely.   From the article "If you are fully aware of your living situation, then it means you have your own reasons for being in that situation that are nobody else’s business."  Yeah...except when your living situation directly and negatively impacts someone else, like your children or your spouse.  If my husband suddenly decided to up and move us to a different place you bet your buttons he'd owe me an explanation.  I think children are owed (eventually) an explanation for the circumstances for which they lived, be they good or bad.  Perhaps it's not a sit-down-and-talk-it-over, but they deserve to understand, to some extent, the reasons life was as it was, even if it was good.   Also, I think it's not a bad idea to sit down and have an honest chat with yourself explaining your living situation, and what you might do to change or improve it should you feel that it needs such things.

2. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your life priorities.

A agree pretty much with this one as well (ok, I agree with all of them).  Go ahead and stick to your chosen priorities, but be honest with yourself about what they are.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you might owe yourself and explanation of your life priorities, and if you like what they are then go after them.   But remember that other people might not like or agree with your priorities, and that's not your problem.  Though it might affect your relationship with them... but I think the best thing you can do is remain true to yourself.  If you change your priorities, do it because you feel it needs to be done, not because someone else is pressuring you to it.  Anyhow, moving on...

3. You don’t owe anyone an apology if you are not sorry.

I agree with this one, too.  An apology when you're not sorry is a lie.  I did read an interesting bit of advice recently that I thought wise.  The suggestion was that instead of apologizing, offer gratitude.  Rather than "I'm sorry I was a jerk" (if you don't feel like you were a jerk) try saying "Thank you for being patient with me today, I've had a really difficult day."  This keep name-calling out of the equation (see, nobody got labeled a jerk here).  But remember, the goal here is honesty, both with yourself and the other person.   And do apologize if you are sorry.  It's amazing how much an honest and heartfelt apology (especially if you add "Will you forgive me?" at the end) will go toward starting to mend the hurt in a relationship. 

4. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for requiring alone time.
And I agree with this one, too.  Alone time is very important.  However, I think it's prudent to explain to the people closest to you why you need it from time to time.  Imagine if your spouse just randomly shut themselves up in a room, or left on a hike or whatever, without telling you why they just wanted to be away from you.  You'd wonder about the health of your relationship.  And seriously, how hard is it to say "I love you, I just need some time to myself for a bit." ?    And especially with young kids.  For an introvert such as myself, having small children, while wonderful on so many levels, is mentally and emotionally exhausting.  I rarely get time without them running in to me to talk or get help, or feed them or break up a fight or get a toy, etc.  It's even worse when I just want to talk to my husband after a long day about anything at all from the grown up world.  I don't get to have a conversation with him that isn't interrupted literally every two or three sentences with their need for attention.  Wearying.   But, they need me, they rely on me and they love me.  They DO deserve an explanation when I need my alone time, else they think they're being shunned, that I don't love them.  It breaks their hearts when I snarl at them to leave me alone for 5 freakin' minutes.  However, I've learned that if I explain to them that I need some alone time (usually I have to put it in terms they understand - I'm grounding myself from them until I feel less grouchy) then they're not hurt.   So I'd seriously say that you owe an explanation for needing alone time to the people who you seriously hurt by not showing up (that is, your spouse and kids).  Social engagements, no, no explanation required.  But the people closest to you?  You do if you actually care about them more than yourself.  (You owe them an explanation, but you don't necessarily owe them the forfeiture of said alone time)

5. You don’t owe anyone your agreement on their personal beliefs.
Yup.  But that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk about it.  And remember that they don't need to agree with you, either.

6. You don’t owe anyone a yes to everything they say.
Yup.  The article says "You have a right to say no whenever there is no compelling reason to say yes. In fact, the most successful people in the world are those who have mastered the art of saying no to everything that is not a priority. Acknowledge other people’s kindness and be grateful for it, but don’t be afraid to politely decline anything that takes your focus away from your core goals and priorities. That’s how to get ahead."   No additions from this quarter.

 

7. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your physical appearance.
"You might be slender, plump, tall, short, pretty, plain or whatever, but you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone for why you look how you do. Your physical appearance is your own business and you are obligated only to yourself. Physical appearance shouldn’t determine your self-worth."  Damn straight.  I'd also expand this to include bucking 'beauty' norms.  If you want to wear make-up or not, if you spend an hour on your personal grooming every day or 15 minutes, if you wash your hair with the fanciest products or have gone simple with baking soda and vinegar, if you wax all your hair or never shave, or anything in between, you don't owe anyone an explanation.  Ok, except maybe yourself.  As long as you're honest with yourself about why you do what you do with your appearance, no one else's opinion on the topic really matters.  

8. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your food preferences.
Yup.  Unless your food preferences are destroying your kids' health.  Then maybe you owe them an explanation and apology (unless you're not sorry... in which case maybe you'd better not be in charge of your kids' food).

9. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your sex life.
Except maybe your partner.

10. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your career or personal life choices.
The article's comments on this change the header a bit - they mean an explanation of how you choose between career and personal life.  With that slant, I agree.

11. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your religious or political views.
This should have been partnered with #5 I think. I agree that you don't have to explain yourself, but it doesn't give you the right to be a jerk about it.  And remember that they don't need to agree with you, either.

 

12. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for being single.
Yup

13. You don’t owe anyone a date just because they asked.
Yup.  "Someone might be nice, good looking and you may even be a little interested, but you don’t owe them a date just because they ask. If you feel deep down you don’t want to go on that date, then don’t. You may offer a reason for declining, but keep it brief and stick to your decision."  Or sex because they bought you dinner, or anything else along those lines.

14. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision about marriage.
Except maybe the other person involved, your spouse or spouse-hopeful.  And it's always good to be able to explain it to yourself.

15. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your relationship choices.

 I think this is a similar thing to #14.   But I'd probably add that the exception to my exception is if there is abuse involved.  If there is abuse coming from another party of the relationship, no explanation is needed for termination the relationship.

Pattern Recognition

Pattern recognition.  I'm pretty sure everyone knows what it is, and I'm certain everyone does it.  It's one of those marvels of the human mind, our tendency to search out and recognize patterns.  So much so, in fact, that occasionally we see patterns that aren't there.  But perhaps that's our trust in our ability to see patterns combined with our sense of superiority...  And, on the other hand, it seems there are those out there who exclaim, whenever they hear something they don't like "Oh, you're just seeing patterns where there aren't any!"

At any rate, I was watching Cosmos with my boys tonight.  We watched the episode about lead poisoning, which was very interesting.  There's a lot that could be said as commentary about that episode; things about the politics of money, scientists besmirching the name of science for money, doing excessively dangerous things for the sake of ease and money (wait, was there any of that that wasn't about money?).   There's also lots of cool science and a bit of history.  Mass spectrometers are awesome.
The part that got me thinking this time, though, was about the radioactive half-life of uranium.  This combined with our dependance of carbon dating to assess the age of some object.  Now, this technology and this science is really, really cool.  I love science, I really do.  It is half of all Truth (the definition of truth per my definition of it, especially in regards to science and religion is meaty enough for a different post) is found in science and the observable world.   But the fact is that radioactive decay/half life has always seemed somewhat flawed to me.  Maybe I just don't understand the concept well enough, maybe it's something in the math or the logic that I'm just not quite getting, but deep down, I've always felt it is flawed.
This episode of Cosmos reminded me of this deep seated feeling.   Our Narrator-of-Awesomeness (because I don't remember his name, though I should, and because I don't feel like looking it up) mentioned that the testing and tracking of the decay of Uranium was tested over decades.  Now, that's a pretty formidable set of data, hard to argue with.  Except, I have to wonder...
The Laws of Physics and of Nature aren't quite as concrete as we'd like to believe.  The universe, on a grand scale, doesn't always follow the law that govern our everyday lives.  Physicists were amazed to discover that on a small scale, many of the Laws of Physics no longer even applied (hello, Quantum Mechanics)!    This leaves me to wonder.   According to the testing that was done on a meteorite shard that hit the Earth found it's Uranium to be nearly 5 Billion years old.  Ok, cool, fair enough.  But... has the test been repeated on other meteorites? On rocks brought back from the moon?  Surely?  I wonder what those results say.  And more, wouldn't that number be more the age of the solar system, perhaps, than the earth?  Maybe, maybe not (that is where a larger sample size might come in handy).
But more, I wonder, we tested Uranium decay over a couple decades.  What's a couple decades to 5 billion years?  Not even a flash in the pan.   Are we doing Quantum Physics sized test lengths on an subject of Macro proportions?  What if the rules are different for larger swaths of time?
Go to a grocery store and people watch.  At first thought you might shrug them off as all random and see no pattern, beyond their humanity.  But pull back, perhaps many of them are wearing coats.  What does it mean?  Maybe they all like coats, maybe it's cold out, maybe it's rainy, maybe they all carry shotguns.  Expand your time and you may find that more people come a certain time of day than others.  Expand and you'll see a new pattern where some days are busier than others.  Expand again and you'll see a change of clothes over the seasons of the year.  Expand again and you'll see patterns of fashion.  All where once you saw only random people...
Patterns are everywhere and in everything, but sometimes you just don't see them because you're too close, your sample size isn't large enough or perhaps you just don't know what to look for.  Where one person might see a pile of rocks, another may see where they come from, what has happened to them, if they belong together, etc.  Where one person sees raindrops falling in random places, another might see the undulating pattern of the wind in those drops.  Pattern recognition is what gives us science, gives us society, gives us life as we know it.
True, not all patterns should be maintained. True, not all perceived patterns are accurate.   True, not all patterns lead to something greater, some patterns hold us, individually and as a people, back from becoming all the great things that we could be.  But, one way or the other, it seems to me that the worst thing you could do would be to ignore the very existence of these patterns.
They are here, and they come, and come again.  But, you cannot truly take control of them, to break them, or use them or bend them to your will, until you understand them.  And for that, you must first find a way to see them.

Anyhow, that's enough rambling on that subject for now.  :)

First Up

Howdy!

So that you know, this isn't going to be about horses.  Most of the time.  Really, it'll just be me, thinking out loud.  Or something.

I like to believe that I think about things.  I consider my thoughts fairly enlightened.  However I try not to confuse 'enlightened' with 'trendy' (which can cover the same ground at times and sometimes not).  Also, I'm willing to look at things from opposing views and sometimes I might revise my stance and sometimes I might not.  Differing opinions need not always have a right and a wrong side.

Also, these posts will probably just ramble.  No well thought out and polished statements like those 'professional' bloggers for me (and they are impressive writers). Just me and my thoughts.  And your thoughts, if you choose to comment.

Anyhow...

Enjoy!